Now I haven’t been doing music for… like, a month or so? Apart from some attempts to get into regular guitar practice, that is. But I’m totally out of my musician headspace and out of poetic creativity even more.
I am still stumbling, falling, getting up, stumbling on, rinse and repeat with my professional life. There’s the perspective of getting stuck in another soul-eating dead-end job I don’t want (I’ll probably know if I must go there in the next 1-2 weeks). The Jobcenter imposes on me to scramble and do everything I can to get regular employment, while the thing I’d want to do is stand still, reconsider everything and start again, but this time in a different direction. One thing that has become clear for me is that marketing, especially online marketing, is ripe with environments that are toxic for me, and that it’s not the field I will excel and thrive in.
I don’t want to use this blog post for lamenting. Instead, I’d like to ponder on one observation: aspects of my personality and how they relate to different aspects of my life.
Somehow my musician identity feels not fully formed yet, but as deeply buried under everyday grind it may be now, it is there. I can feel it like the sun behind clouds. It’s not just who I am in my music. It’s who I am when I give a high priority to my musical creativity, to making music and to being in a good shape for singing, playing guitar, composing and making poetry, mentally as well as physically, and when I care about developing as an artist.
Somehow I feel like I don’t deserve to be that person, or that I’m not allowed to, or that if I am that person, I won’t be able to cope with the demands that making a living or getting through bureaucracy place on me.
So instead, I mostly choose to put on a persona of a rational, disciplined person who gets all the stuff done, adheres to conventional logic, does a conventional full-time day job to win her bread and makes music in her free time, is tough enough to put up with a little discomfort, makes reasonable choices, does not lose herself in dreams and can pull of some feats of discipline, ready to discard perceptions that don’t seem reasonable (thus often losing contact with her gut feeling) and keep out everything she doesn’t see as practical or necessary. It’s a well organized and high-functioning persona too, a persona that is concerned with getting through everyday life.
I need this persona to navigate my carreer/work situation, but it feels way too dominant in my life, and at the same time, letting go of it, not using it as my default approach to things feels unsafe, as if my life might get totally out of control. Unfortunately, the saying “if your only tool is a hammer, you will perceive every problem as a nail” applies.
My “artist” persona is different, of course. Much more intuitive and even impulsive, prone to act upon emotion and gut feeling, dreamer, utopian and visionnaire, with fine and alert senses. One who brings in butterflies and flowers and colours, warmth and sunlight, one who wants to open doors to the depth of the soul and the phantastic, mystic and playful child at the same time, one who is concerned with the big issues of life and what matters in the end.
I miss giving this persona space and time. It’s like it hasn’t even had the opportunity to develop fully.
And then there may be more aspects of myself that I don’t even know or acknowledge.
By the way, that freelance mini-job in music editing is still awesome and rewarding.